有人
是怎樣心就這麼躍動
毫無半點力學上的理由
樹們也低垂，交錯地
撲打散落四處的幽幽的光圈
它們發出聲響
彷彿暗示著前方的對與錯
更遠是左手，是山
這之間，花香綿密而沙啞，手心微濕
沒有太多非說不可的話
而一切皆已成形，皆有
可被穿透的空隙
走得是太遠了，聽瓢蟲
蟬，或別的什麼
不斷暴露晚風的行藏
偶爾也不意為一些片段震懾
我繼續小心地屏息，小心克制
在退無可退的黑暗裡，感覺是你
猝然如時間的暗襲
多麼洶湧
充滿想像的溫柔
ZY2
這首詩的筆法,再次讓我想起 Browning 的Meeting at Night 和 Parting at morning
*Meeting at Night
by Robert Browning
The grey sea and the long black land;
And the yellow half-moon large and low;
And the startled little waves that leap
In fiery ringlets from their sleep,
As I gain the cove with pushing prow,
And quench its speed i` the slushy sand.
Then a mile of warm sea-scented beach;
Three fields to cross till a farm appears;
A tap at the pane, the quick sharp scratch
And blue spurt of a lighted match,
And a voice less loud, through its joys and fears,
Than the two hearts beating each to each!
*Parting at Morning
by Robert Browning
Round the cape of a sudden came the sea,
And the sun looked over the mountain`s rim:
And straight was a path of gold for him,
And the need of a world of men for me.
海
出現了一個你，刪掉也不會阻礙閱讀。
可以考慮刪掉。
版主回應
可是，存在也不會太過阻礙啊，我不以為寫詩該努力避開人稱，再說必須用這個「你」，更多用於補足意義，因為是「你」而非別的物事、別的人，才有下面三行，才有核心，全詩所欲描摹的氛圍。
長河
很多情詩都會出現很多「妳」「我們」之類的詞.
RLe.
最喜歡這句
花香綿密而沙啞
版主回應
呵，嗯我自己喜歡「沒有太多非說不可的話」，這樣也無風雨也無晴的悠然和篤定，一點點清朗、一點點安心。
長河
沒有「妳我」出現的情詩,堪稱一絕,
長河路過,恭喜您了.
版主回應
耶？不太懂你的意思？什麼『沒有「妳我」出現的情詩』？
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這首詩的筆法,再次讓我想起 Browning 的Meeting at Night 和 Parting at morning
*Meeting at Night
by Robert Browning
The grey sea and the long black land;
And the yellow half-moon large and low;
And the startled little waves that leap
In fiery ringlets from their sleep,
As I gain the cove with pushing prow,
And quench its speed i` the slushy sand.
Then a mile of warm sea-scented beach;
Three fields to cross till a farm appears;
A tap at the pane, the quick sharp scratch
And blue spurt of a lighted match,
And a voice less loud, through its joys and fears,
Than the two hearts beating each to each!
*Parting at Morning
by Robert Browning
Round the cape of a sudden came the sea,
And the sun looked over the mountain`s rim:
And straight was a path of gold for him,
And the need of a world of men for me.